WARNING: Random Thoughts on a Saturday Evening

WARNING: This post contains absolutely no insight, flow or class. Proceed at your own risk, motherfucker.

First, let me just tell those of you who don't live in New York that the MTA sucks Ann Coulter's nut sack, which is allegedly growing out of her saggy, sweaty and uneven breasts. Allegedly. I'm just saying I heard it from a pretty reliable source, but you never know.

Gratuitous bitchy moment of the day --- Check!!

Now down to business.

Trader Joe's is the bomb diggity shit. Usually I don't use words like "bomb diggity," but I was so excited to spend an hour perusing through the endless aisles of gourmet cheese, fish, vegetables, fruit, wine, etc that I felt I needed to get a little retro on your asses.

All three of you.

Yes, I went there.

Let's see...soooo much has happened in the past few days, like on Thursday when I met none other than Miss Joan Rivers' assistant, who coincidentally happened to break the heart of a certain coworker of mine nearly 12 months ago. Yes, New York is a small fucking town after all.

What else??? Ah yes! Yesterday my dearest BFF and I caught a preview of "{Title of Show}" at the Lyceum Theater on Broadway.

Theater queens, take note: FUCKING FANTASTIC.

Tourists, take note: FUCKING FANTASTIC.

Apathetic theatrical haters: FUCK OFF

Just kidding. Don't fuck off. Go see it. You'll love it. I promise. :-)

Obnoxious smiley face usage as a throwback to the "bomb diggity" nineties ------CHECK!!!

What else...

Today I spent the day baking on Long Beach with a few dear friends - some much needed R&R that not only calmed the spirit, but also left my perineum with ample amounts of seaweed to stew in on the ride home. Let me just say, seaweed is never fun when it surprises you by coming out of certain orifices you weren't aware it was visiting. Then again, it could be worse. For instance, a long, long time ago said BFF and I were attacked by a swarm of plankton that set the bar for intrusive beach byproducts. I won't go into the nitty gritty, as I'm sure you're already imagining the worst.

But I can tell you this: that bar has not yet been breached...but I'm still knocking on wood.

Until next time,

GM

Do I Look Like I Have a Few Minutes???

There's a disturbing phenomenon happening throughout NYC right now.

Hippies are mobilizing.

Before you hippies get all pissy, I'm not disturbed by the actual mobilizing, just the way it's happening.

I first noticed it nearly a year ago while walking down the street. A cute girl with a clipboard walked up to greet me.

"Do you have a few minutes for Gay Rights?" She asked.

"Honey, I fight for gay rights every day of my life. Good luck to you though."

I regret that. Wishing luck onto clipboard Nazis may have been what started this whole trend.

You see, ever since then, I've seen hundreds of twenty-something, bleeding heart youths begging for a minute or two to spout out their version of what's wrong in our world. From environmental destruction to petitions for impeachment, there hasn't been a day since where I've not seen these people begging for someone's, anyone's time.

So here's a bit of advice for those who do this for a living, or may consider joining the ranks:

1. Get a real job - Mommy and Daddy didn't pay for your college education so you could harrass perfect strangers on the street.

2. Find another way - Signing petitions does nothing. Lead by example and you'll influence people much more than by yelling things like "Does Anybody Care?" at them on the street.

3. Lose the clipboards - These are dead giveaways. If you really have faith that this system works for you, you should play it more covert. Stand in the middle of a sidewalk with a sign that has a catchy slogan on it - something to engage people. This will surely grab their attention more. For example:

They may not be brilliant by any means, but they're straight to the point, eye-catching, and are WAY less obtrusive. Personally, I'd be much more likely to stop and chat with someone who had more to say than "Do you have a few minutes?"

4. Come up with a better pitch - No one you need in New York has a few minutes to spare. Sure, a few nobodies with nothing better to do will stop and engage you, but you need to think bigger. This is the capital of the world and you literally have access to anyone and anything. Use it. Take a lesson from the anti-smoking campaign that was launched a few years ago. They took everyday situations and made the message so striking that everyone paid attention. Asking people for a few minutes won't get their attention, it'll make them think you're going to beg them for money - and we have plenty of beggars already.

5. Maintain Engagement - Perhaps you've gotten a few people to sign your petition. They bought your speech hook, line and sinker. Now what? Most of you let them go about their lives, never following up with anything. This is a huge mistake. If you've engaged them once, find a way to keep them engaged. Invite them to events, speeches, clean-up efforts, whatever you can. Building support isn't solely about new recruitment - you must keep those you've already gotten on your side.

6. Think Mainstream - You may not like it, but capitalism is how the world works. The old adage about "if you can't beat them join them..." well, it's true. Get a corporate job and start making changes internally - recycle, encourage low-energy usage, request partner benefits...do anything to chip away at the existing stereotype that liberals don't do anything. Nothing changes overnight, but everything changes eventually. Be a catalyst for the change by working with the system, not against it.

Look, these aren't incredibly insightful tips, I realize. But maybe, just maybe they may help. So get out there and put them to use - and STOP ASKING ME IF I HAVE A FEW MINUTES TO SPARE!

xoxo,

GM

Why? I'll never know...

Three years have passed. Three years. Seems like eons ago.

Life in New York never stops, thus a year - a month - a day feels like an eternity.

It's exhausting, really. There are days when you don't want to get out of bed and face the millions of eager, highly motivated drones that'll glady step on you to get what they want. They're not all like that I suppose, but the longer one lives in New York the more apparent they are...like a festering brood of cockroaches scouring for their next meal of garbage and decaying flesh.

Okay! Now that I've gotten that out of my system, on to bigger and better things.

Birthday dinners are like that nightmare where you show up to high school naked. Everyone stares and expects interesting and engaging conversation. What do you do when there is none there?

Lately I find myself wondering if I'm as shallow as some say. I'd like to think not, but if it's true is it really all that bad? There are a number of shallow things that truly inspire me to be a better person, yet coincidentally amuse me greatly. For instance:

Shallow Water - Who doesn't prefer being able to stand up as they fight breaking waves in the sea. Personally, being able to see the bottom of the sea is comforting and reassures me that something so vast and mysterious isn't as terrifyingly dangerous as we've been led to believe.

Shallow "Stars" - Paris Hilton, Tara Reid, Heidi Montag...the tart patrol makes me grin when I realize they've become famous for simply being pretty and stupid. God Bless America.

Shallow Gossip Columnists - Nothing drains a brain of lingering troubles like wasting a few hours on sites like PerezHilton, Gawker or Dlisted. Thanks be to Hashem. Or Allah. Or Ra. Really, pick one.

Shallow "Fashionistas" - The L Train is brimming with these illustrious works. Any given Sunday you can catch a trendy chatting up his/her friend about the "new" collection at American Apparel. Whatever makes you feel better, I suppose...

Shallow Cinephiles - Obscure references to films no one has seen that feature things like a man hitting his head against a wall for an hour and a half really perplex me. Do I really care? Why do you?

Shallow Club Kids - The makeup is lovely, but how many fucked up stories can you have before it's too much?

Shallow Fuckers - These are the saddest of the lot for me. Frequent shagging because you're lonely is truly terrifying, as the only thing you're going to get from it is an STD...or maybe a kid.

Shallow Friends - Let's drink. That's it. Just be at a bar together, drink and go home with someone else. Usually there's some combo here of the Friends/Fuckers categories, but occasionally you find one without the other (thanks to the internet).

The list goes on and on...